“Kill Her Off” (A Love Song Parody For Writers)


Valentine’s Day is just around the corner, but not all of us will be celebrating with touchy-feely festivities. I’ve tweaked the lyrics of the classic song “Kiss The Girl” (Disney) to create an ode to all the characters we as writers loved but, sadly, had to say goodbye to.

Kill Her Off

(a parody by Nate Philbrick)


There you left her

Sitting back in chapter two

She don’t got a lot to do

But you’ve already named her

And you know by now

Just gotta figure out how

You’ve gotta kill her off.

She’s not developed

She’s not growing like the rest

Her personality is just the same

As the other love interest.

So you can use a sword

Or an ironing board

Go on and kill her off.

Sing with me now

Sha la la la la la 

Why oh why

Does the writer cry

He’s gotta kill her off

Sha la la la la la

It’s so sad

Even her dialog’s bad

He’s gonna kill her off. 

Choose your method

Drowning or a whale harpoon

But you better do it soon

This outline is failing

Things will be better if

You push her off a cliff

You’ve gotta kill her off.

Happy Valentine’s day, everyone!



The Writer’s Life According To Minions

This is turning into a series, I guess. Oh well. Here we go! The writer’s life as told in gifs by the minions from Despicable Me!

If you haven’t already, go check out part one of “The Writer’s Life According To…” (Jack Sparrow) and part two (Sheldon Cooper)!

(Note: none of these gifs belong to me. All gifs found on giphy.com) 

When a brilliant idea hits you in public…
…but your editor has other ideas.
Trying to prove your prose meets a higher standard.
Following a ‘marketer’ on social media.
When all your plot points finally click together.
Getting that long-awaited email from an agent/publisher.
Meeting deadlines…?
This character needs some conflict…
How you picture your first book signing.
When people interrupt you to chat.


Keep calm and write on, friends!

Header image from Flickr: https://www.flickr.com/photos/codex41/9725166177




Caring For Your Writer 101

Having a writer in your life can be confusing. Maybe you’re not sure how to take care of it. Should you take it for walks? How often do you feed it? Don’t worry. I’ve got answers. Here are some ways to properly care for your writer this Christmas.

  • Keep plenty of hot chocolate/coffee/tea in the house.
  • Buy little festive marshmallows and/or cookies to go with the aforementioned beverages.
  • Force your writer out for a walk once a day.
  • Make sure it returns from said walk.
  • Give your writer space and quiet to work in.
  • Make sure your writer’s eating enough…
  • …but not too much.
  • Buy appropriate Christmas gifts for your writer.
    • Books
    • Another mug
    • Books
    • Warm fuzzy slippers
    • Books
    • New sticky-notes, notebooks, and pens
    • But not red pens. Never red pens
    • Gift cards for books
    • A seventh cat
  • Hug your writer once per hour.
  • Do not try to hug your writer if it barks at you when approached.
  • Express excitement over your writer’s next book.
  • Avoid trigger-words such as deadline, editor, agent, typo, or rejection.
  • Pretend not to be worried about your writer’s Google search history.
  • Reassure your writer you love and cherish it.
  • Gently remind your writer that sleep is important even during the holidays…
  • …but don’t bother waiting up for it.
  • When your writer does put away the laptop/notebook, welcome it back into the land of the living gently and soothingly.
  • If your writer spooks and runs, do not call the police. It probably knows how to evade them.
  • Leave an open book and a bag of coffee grounds by the back door. Your writer will return safely.
  • Be generous with your signs of affection towards your writer.
  • Wrap your gifts in printouts of all your writer’s good reviews.
  • Surprise your writer by hanging the Hemingway ornament near the top of the tree this year.
  • Remember that, at the end of the day, your writer appreciates and loves you too!