The Writer’s Life According To Gollum

I believe this is the fourth part of The Writer’s Life post series. If you’re just joining now, don’t miss out on the first three!

The writer’s life according to Jack Sparrow

The writer’s life according to Sheldon Cooper

The writer’s life according to Minions

The Writer’s Life According To Gollum

Grinding out those last 100 words to meet your quota.
The faces you inevitably make when writing in public…
When your royalties notice arrives in your inbox. 
Trying to ignore your inner editor during the first draft.
Writing that chapter where the love interest dies.
When your editor sends back corrections and suggestions…
…but they urge you to make the changes anyway.
When an interviewer/reader asks what your next book is about.
The faces you make when brainstorming a new idea.
When you get a new story idea in the middle of your current project.


(These gifs do not belong to me. All gifs found at

The Fiction Writer’s Job Description

Job Description: Fiction Writer

a very official document

(Please read and understand complete requirements before submitting your application.)

Work Location

Anywhere (this field includes but is not limited to households, offices, coffee shops, front porches, back porches, under porches, city parks, secluded glades, and cardboard boxes in back alleys).  


Available office departments include the Perpetually Drafting Department and the Perpetually Querying Department.

Duties and Responsibilities

Applicants must be prepared to emulate successful forerunners with as little variety as possible and memorize as many famous quotes by said forerunners with no intention of applying the advice therein. Specific responsibilities include:

  • Perform related duties as assigned by supervisor (…what supervisor?)
  • Maintain compliance with all company policies and procedures (unless applicant is self-published, in which case torches, pitchforks, and general creative anarchy may apply)
  • Master and abuse trade hashtags such as #amwriting, #amediting, #writers, #writing, #WIP, #fiction #writetip, #writingtips, #write, #CampNaNoWriMo, and #PleaseBuyMyBookImBeggingYou
  • Occasionally, applicants may be required to finish a first draft

Education and/or Experience Requirements

  • Excellent verbal and written communication skills, including the ability to effectively communicate with internal and external customers, as well as the foreknowledge that it will take 5-15 drafts to do so.
  • Excellent computer proficiency (MS Office – Word, Excel and Outlook, Scrivener, Wattpad, Pinterest, Instagram, Netflix, YouTube, Ctrl+Z, Ctrl+C, Ctrl+V, and especially Ctrl+Alt+Delete)
  • Must have A+ certification in creative and critical writing skills, grammar skills, and procrastination skills (exceptions can and will be made for the first three)
  • Must be able to work under pressure and meet deadlines (or at least nod courteously as they whoosh by)
  • Ability to work independently and to carry out assignments to completion within parameters of instructions given, prescribed routines, and standard accepted practices (ability, yes; but no moral, social, or professional obligation to comply with any of said parameters)
  • High school diploma or GED required (applicants will be encouraged to scribble their outlines on said diploma. Also, GED stands for General English Disorder)
  • Associate Degree preferred. As in, anyone who associates with the applicant will be subject to plot/character experimentation to varying degrees (including but not limited to murder, villainization, or being dropped off in a magical forest never to be seen again)

Physical Requirements

  • Ability to safely and successfully perform the essential job functions consistent with the ADA, FMLA and other federal, state and local standards, including sitting in a chair…and not much else.
  • Ability to maintain and be subjected to consistent schedules, paired with the ability to formulate quasi-plausible excuses to undermine said schedules.
  • Must be able to lift and carry up to 50 lbs (of 1st draft waste).
  • Must have a minimum career/internship average of 78.4% accuracy on crumpled-paper-to-trashcan tossing (applicants may purchase Paper Toss on Android for a simulated practice).
  • Ability to type consistently with a minimum of three different body parts (fingers, toes, and forehead recommended) with an average of no higher than three spelling errors (per word).
  • Must have 24/7 access to coffee and/or tea and/or wine and/or chocolate and/or ice/cream (and/or other comfort food of choice).

Print Employee Name (for maximum efficiency, please include your personal name, pen name, Twitter handle, blog link, Facebook page, Pottermore username, and up to five promotional headlines).

Thank you for your interest in the position. We will respond to your application as quickly as we can.

“Kill Her Off” (A Love Song Parody For Writers)


Valentine’s Day is just around the corner, but not all of us will be celebrating with touchy-feely festivities. I’ve tweaked the lyrics of the classic song “Kiss The Girl” (Disney) to create an ode to all the characters we as writers loved but, sadly, had to say goodbye to.

Kill Her Off

(a parody by Nate Philbrick)


There you left her

Sitting back in chapter two

She don’t got a lot to do

But you’ve already named her

And you know by now

Just gotta figure out how

You’ve gotta kill her off.

She’s not developed

She’s not growing like the rest

Her personality is just the same

As the other love interest.

So you can use a sword

Or an ironing board

Go on and kill her off.

Sing with me now

Sha la la la la la 

Why oh why

Does the writer cry

He’s gotta kill her off

Sha la la la la la

It’s so sad

Even her dialog’s bad

He’s gonna kill her off. 

Choose your method

Drowning or a whale harpoon

But you better do it soon

This outline is failing

Things will be better if

You push her off a cliff

You’ve gotta kill her off.

Happy Valentine’s day, everyone!



The Writer’s Life According To Minions

This is turning into a series, I guess. Oh well. Here we go! The writer’s life as told in gifs by the minions from Despicable Me!

If you haven’t already, go check out part one of “The Writer’s Life According To…” (Jack Sparrow) and part two (Sheldon Cooper)!

(Note: none of these gifs belong to me. All gifs found on 

When a brilliant idea hits you in public…
…but your editor has other ideas.
Trying to prove your prose meets a higher standard.
Following a ‘marketer’ on social media.
When all your plot points finally click together.
Getting that long-awaited email from an agent/publisher.
Meeting deadlines…?
This character needs some conflict…
How you picture your first book signing.
When people interrupt you to chat.


Keep calm and write on, friends!

Header image from Flickr:




Caring For Your Writer 101

Having a writer in your life can be confusing. Maybe you’re not sure how to take care of it. Should you take it for walks? How often do you feed it? Don’t worry. I’ve got answers. Here are some ways to properly care for your writer this Christmas.

  • Keep plenty of hot chocolate/coffee/tea in the house.
  • Buy little festive marshmallows and/or cookies to go with the aforementioned beverages.
  • Force your writer out for a walk once a day.
  • Make sure it returns from said walk.
  • Give your writer space and quiet to work in.
  • Make sure your writer’s eating enough…
  • …but not too much.
  • Buy appropriate Christmas gifts for your writer.
    • Books
    • Another mug
    • Books
    • Warm fuzzy slippers
    • Books
    • New sticky-notes, notebooks, and pens
    • But not red pens. Never red pens
    • Gift cards for books
    • A seventh cat
  • Hug your writer once per hour.
  • Do not try to hug your writer if it barks at you when approached.
  • Express excitement over your writer’s next book.
  • Avoid trigger-words such as deadline, editor, agent, typo, or rejection.
  • Pretend not to be worried about your writer’s Google search history.
  • Reassure your writer you love and cherish it.
  • Gently remind your writer that sleep is important even during the holidays…
  • …but don’t bother waiting up for it.
  • When your writer does put away the laptop/notebook, welcome it back into the land of the living gently and soothingly.
  • If your writer spooks and runs, do not call the police. It probably knows how to evade them.
  • Leave an open book and a bag of coffee grounds by the back door. Your writer will return safely.
  • Be generous with your signs of affection towards your writer.
  • Wrap your gifts in printouts of all your writer’s good reviews.
  • Surprise your writer by hanging the Hemingway ornament near the top of the tree this year.
  • Remember that, at the end of the day, your writer appreciates and loves you too!