Job Description: Fiction Writer
a very official document
(Please read and understand complete requirements before submitting your application.)
Anywhere (this field includes but is not limited to households, offices, coffee shops, front porches, back porches, under porches, city parks, secluded glades, and cardboard boxes in back alleys).
Available office departments include the Perpetually Drafting Department and the Perpetually Querying Department.
Duties and Responsibilities
Applicants must be prepared to emulate successful forerunners with as little variety as possible and memorize as many famous quotes by said forerunners with no intention of applying the advice therein. Specific responsibilities include:
- Perform related duties as assigned by supervisor (…what supervisor?)
- Maintain compliance with all company policies and procedures (unless applicant is self-published, in which case torches, pitchforks, and general creative anarchy may apply)
- Master and abuse trade hashtags such as #amwriting, #amediting, #writers, #writing, #WIP, #fiction #writetip, #writingtips, #write, #CampNaNoWriMo, and #PleaseBuyMyBookImBeggingYou
- Occasionally, applicants may be required to finish a first draft
Education and/or Experience Requirements
- Excellent verbal and written communication skills, including the ability to effectively communicate with internal and external customers, as well as the foreknowledge that it will take 5-15 drafts to do so.
- Excellent computer proficiency (MS Office – Word, Excel and Outlook, Scrivener, Wattpad, Pinterest, Instagram, Netflix, YouTube, Ctrl+Z, Ctrl+C, Ctrl+V, and especially Ctrl+Alt+Delete)
- Must have A+ certification in creative and critical writing skills, grammar skills, and procrastination skills (exceptions can and will be made for the first three)
- Must be able to work under pressure and meet deadlines (or at least nod courteously as they whoosh by)
- Ability to work independently and to carry out assignments to completion within parameters of instructions given, prescribed routines, and standard accepted practices (ability, yes; but no moral, social, or professional obligation to comply with any of said parameters)
- High school diploma or GED required (applicants will be encouraged to scribble their outlines on said diploma. Also, GED stands for General English Disorder)
- Associate Degree preferred. As in, anyone who associates with the applicant will be subject to plot/character experimentation to varying degrees (including but not limited to murder, villainization, or being dropped off in a magical forest never to be seen again)
- Ability to safely and successfully perform the essential job functions consistent with the ADA, FMLA and other federal, state and local standards, including sitting in a chair…and not much else.
- Ability to maintain and be subjected to consistent schedules, paired with the ability to formulate quasi-plausible excuses to undermine said schedules.
- Must be able to lift and carry up to 50 lbs (of 1st draft waste).
- Must have a minimum career/internship average of 78.4% accuracy on crumpled-paper-to-trashcan tossing (applicants may purchase Paper Toss on Android for a simulated practice).
- Ability to type consistently with a minimum of three different body parts (fingers, toes, and forehead recommended) with an average of no higher than three spelling errors (per word).
- Must have 24/7 access to coffee and/or tea and/or wine and/or chocolate and/or ice/cream (and/or other comfort food of choice).
Print Employee Name (for maximum efficiency, please include your personal name, pen name, Twitter handle, blog link, Facebook page, Pottermore username, and up to five promotional headlines).
Thank you for your interest in the position. We will respond to your application as quickly as we can.